I wasn't alone at school.  I thought I would be but I wasn't.  I had friends there.  Christof, Noel, Aaron, John, Jess. . .and most importantly, Brad.  I hung out with him alot, well, when I wasn't hanging out with Christof.  I tried to patch things up with him, we tried, but things weren't working out and we decided to see other people. 

My best friend was going out with Brad, so how much of an ass did I feel like when I developed a crush on him.  I mean when Kale and I both met Brad, we both had a crush on him.  However, she started going out with him and I pushed my crush away and fell in love with someone.  We all know how that ended.  I miss Christof.  I want to talk to him, be his friend.  He needs time though because he's still in love with me and I'm. . .well, I'm dating Brad.

Kale dumped him because she wanted to be with Kenny.  She told Brad it was because of the distance, but it wasn't.  She wanted someone else.  She had for a while.  I don't know why she didn't just end it sooner if she felt that way.  It was wrong to lead Brad on like that.  He's such a nice person.  He would never hurt someone like that. . .why did she do it to him? 

And now, I'm not even sure if I can call Kale a friend.  She's changed so much. Usually Kale and I hang out all the time, but shes too busy with Kenny to give me any thought.  I told them that I felt like I was being blown off.  They denied it, but still I hear of them hanging out with each other day and night and me. . .well, I've been home for two and a half weeks and have only seen her twice. 

When I dated Christof, I hung out with him a lot and Kale got upset at all the time I was spending with him and not with her.  We were roomies and we saw each other everyday, but it wasn't enough for her.  So I made an effort to split my time between Kale and Christof.  I did that for her.

I don't know whats up with her.  She used to be so responsible.  If she was over at my house for a while, she would have to check in with her mom.  Last night, I got a call from her mom, asking where Kale was.  Seems her mom had not seen or heard from Kale in almost two days.  I laughed to myself in my head.  Do I know where Kale was? Hah! Like she talks to me that much anymore!  Turns out she was with Kenny. . .all day and all night. 

Kale, if I mean so much to you, then act like it.  Otherwise, I do not want to hear from you, see you, or even room with you when you come back to college.  I will not be a friend of convenience.

So, I go back to college tomorrow.  I'm feeling so many mixed feelings right now about school.  I'm scared, nervous, excited, lonely, lost, . . .did I mention nervous?  I keep on getting sick today because of my nerves.  And again, I just keep on lighting one cig after another.  It calms me. 

Packing. . .I've been doing that all day.  Laundry too.  My family doesn't think we can take everything to school in one trip so they're gonna come up on sunday also to bring stuff.  I'm gonna miss them.  They've really been there for me through this hard time.  I love them.

New things in my life:  I'm anemic.  Forgot to tell you guys that.  I kept on wondering where and why I always got these bruises.  Had two huge ones on my left leg so I asked my mom and she told me that my bloodwork came back and I was anemic.  Who knew?  So I have to go get some iron pills.  Pills, pills, pills.  Always taking something.  Umm, good news.  Got my hair cut and its really cute.  Its not short.  I kept it long but it looks really nice so i'm happy about that. 

Ugh, I feel sick again.  This is going to be a really tough year.  God, I still love Christof.  That will never fade.  It will never go away.  I keep on thinking about him and all the great times we had together and it just hurts so bad.  I miss him so much.  I just want another chance.  The things he used to tell me.  How can I believe that he lost his love for me after everything he has said in the past year.  After everything we have been through.  I miss him so bad.  Christof, how can you just walk away from everything we had.  I love you. 

I'm pathetic.  I'm a fool.  I'm an idiot.  I am nothing.  I'm alone.

Goodbye, Tina

So. . .life sux.  Yesterday, Kenny's grandma died.  I went to his house to keep him company, but today I found out (via text message) that I gave him hardly any comfort.  I think he wanted me to like be romantic with him or something. . .which I am definetly not gonna do.  Needless to say, I got really mad and text messaged him back saying that me and him wasn't going to happen so give it up already!  It was a rude text and I feel bad about sending him that right after his grandmother died, but what else was I supposed to do?!  He just seems like he doesn't listen and now, we aren't talking.  I'm not really sad about it though because I'm still really mad at him.  What did he want?  A pity fuck?!  Sorry, but that will never happen Kenny.  You know what, I'm about to give up on guys all together.

One thing I want to give up. . .being so nice to everyone!  So I did today with that rude text.  I can't keep on walking on my tip toes to make everyone happy because in the end, someone is always hurt. 

I lied about that giving up on guys thing.  I'm still stuck on Christof.  I know, I know.  I'm hopeless.  Hopelessly in love.  This is horrible.  I feel so empty.  So broken.

I feel so alone/ without you here beside me/ I feel so lost/ without your hand to guide me

I don't know!!! AHH!!!! I think I'm going insane. . .can you tell?  School is gonna suck.  No Kala, no Christof, no family.  I'll be all alone.  I should have known I'd end up that way.  I always do.  No one wants to stay with me forever.  Why would they?  Why would Christof?  He could have any girl he wants and he picked me.  Well, not anymore, but he did once upon a time. 

Christof, I love you so much.  I thought we were gonna work this out.  I though we were gonna try.  Why'd you give up on me?  When did you give up on me?  Why don't you love me anymore?  Is there any way I can make you feel the way you used to?  I let you try that one weekend.  Give me a chance this time to win back your love. 

Since the first moment I met you, I knew you were special.  I would get so excitied if I saw you for only a moment because I was (still am) so attracted to you.  And now, I know you're still special.  I know I can't live my life without you, without your love.  Please, give me another chance.

Just one more.

Tina

Christof broke up with me on Tuesday.  He said that he still cares for me but he just doesn't feel the way he used to.  He wants to be friends still and I want that too cause he means a lot to me so I don't want us to be destroyed because of this.  Its just really hard cause I still love him.  I cry a lot now.  I did a lot last night.  I smoke more now than ever.  One right after another.  I love him.  I miss him.

I'm scared of going back to school because I feel like I'm going to be all alone.  I mean Kale isn't going back this semester and I don't have too many friends and now, my boyfriend. . .ex now, doesn't love me.  I'm going to try to keep myself busy with my work, but I try to do that now and its still hard.  The mind always wanders.  And then people keep on asking me how I am and I don't know how to respond.  What am I supposed to say to that question.  I'm sad.  I'm trying to focus on me.  It hurts.  This wasn't supposed to happen.  No one wants to hear that shit so I just lie and say I'm fine or I say not that good but I'll be ok. 

My mom says that things get better in time.  I know shes right but sometimes I just wonder, how will it be fine when someone I love doesn't love me.  In our last days, he ignored me, treated me coldly, acted like a damn bastard sometimes.  But I still love him.  Am I insane?  Maybe I am.  Perhaps love makes you insane? 

When he broke up with me, I was angry.  I yelled fuck you a lot and afterward, I destroyed almost every picture of us.  I even threw away the locket that he gave me for my birthday but then, I dug it out of the garbage because I couldn't part with something that meant so much to me.  While I was destroying things, I found a poem he wrote to me on valentine's day.  Some of the last lines said,

All good things must come to an end, Except my love for you. . .my little Harley Quinn.

I cried and ripped it up because apparently, his love did come to an end and it hurt to know that.  It still does. 

My advice to everyone who reads this, never plan your life.  Because plans don't always work out.  Things that you plan to happen, like spend the rest of your life with the man of your dreams, doesn't always come true.  Don't make plans.  Live your life one day at a time.  At least, thats what I'm trying to do now.  Wish me luck.

I love but i am not loved back, Tina

THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY!!!  I hate work, as I'm sure a lot of people do.  Anywho, whoo-hoo!! The weekend is here!  I'm gonna hang out with my friends tonight so that will be fun. 

Though last night we hung out. . .and everything was fine until this morning when I saw that Kenny text messaged me a poem.  I text'd him back saying that I felt uncomfortable when I recieved that poem.  I also told him that my heart is with Christof.  He got really sad but there really is no nicer way I can put it.  I love Christof.  With all my heart.  There. I've said it. . .so why is he hanging on to his feelings for me so badly?  I feel like the villian here because no matter what, someone gets hurt. . .and they do because of me. 

Oh well, I'm haning out with him and Kale tonight and hopefully, everything will be a-ok.  Hey there, daddio!! . . . .Random.  Sorry.  Maybe we can just go on with life as friends.  Nothing more.  Wish me luck with this whole fiasco, k?

On other news, I need to work out.  I've been hanging with friends so much, I haven't really exercised and thats bad.  Also. . .smoking has become a habit.  I know its bad and I've figured that I'll start working on quitting when I go back to school.  It will be time to start anew!! . . . .hopefully.

Blah, I feel so lazy right now.  Oh!  I got to start cleaning and packing for school.  Also, I need to go out shopping.  Hmm, maybe I can get some stuff tonight.  We're going to the mall.  Oh well, who knows.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.  Oh man, the mall. . . that means that there's walking involved.  Haha.  Just kidding.  It shouldn't be too bad. 

I miss Christof. . .yes, that was random but who cares!  I miss him.  I've been doing better the past few days because of my medicine increase and the fact that I'm putting all my trust and faith in him.  I hope he misses me.  I love him so much.  Forever and ever and to the end of the world. . .this mad love will live on.

Well, gotta go. "Love and peace!!"- Vash the Stampede

Til next time, Tina